As the word PAST showed in my mind as big as an elephant in a tiny room my analytical mind began to ponder. My big voice (me talking out loud) said why in the world would the word PAST be in/on my mind? Then the tiny voice from above whispered to me “Dawn you know that you cannot move forward if you don’t exit and dispel the past”. Gosh but the past seems such a long time ago (to be honest I thought it was gone already)! But if it (the Past) is still within you it will seem like today.
Everyone has a past so don’t think that you can escape it whether it is a positive/negative or a combination of both. I will never be embarrassed of my past as I look at it as a map that leads me to today. The most intriguing aspect of the word past is exactly what it is THE PAST when you say it; it gives you the feeling of going back in time. Like it was soooooo long ago! As I let my mind wander I wondered if I in fact had any of the past crept into my present. Do I have a full set of pastluggae (another word I made up) or just a piece or two? Just imagine that from the first day that you are born after the 24 hours of your first breath that you take you have a past.
My mind was going in circles because I began to go over not in a fanatical way but just wondering what parts were happy and which parts were sad. I could feel myself smiling on certain thoughts and cringing on others. But that teeny tiny voice reminded me that all of the PAST brought me to where I am today. That was part of the journey! Remember the map that we were given from the start. The map that we probably detoured from time to time. But it is those times that I think WOW how in the world did my past get me here to where I am today in the Middle East? How did my map get me here? I didn’t know that my map of life had all the countries of the world on it….I thought that my map was to be only the United States. OMG wait a minute I recall a dream or two ok I will admit hundreds maybe even thousands where I had traveled all over the place! I was mingling with so many cultures and I didn’t stand out of the crowd. I was a part of! I belonged YAY!!! How cool is that! Me on lots of journeys that is amazing. The dreams that I went on in my mind I surely was the VIP of traveling. My passport had so many stamps and I was known as the coolest chick in the world.
What I also realized thanks to my Uncle Len is that I have to get rid of everything that connected me to those not so pleasant times otherwise known as... Are you kidding me??? Are you talking about my shoe/purse collection GEESH!!! Banana Republic had it going on with the Italian Leather shoes and purses! Don’t get me wrong they were not cheap until they went on sale LMAO! And what about my collection of clothes OMG I was the chicest woman around only the best for Dawn. If you really know me you know that I am a JCREW GIRL! I absolutely love them that was in the past and surely in my present. Part of the traumatic time in my life (well it was to me) I knew that I had to recover that I could not let it hold me down or tear me apart of who I was and am DAWN. So needless to say I had to remove all of the past to make room for the present. And you know how it went down I gave them away (man it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it). Some damn body got a very sic wardrobe/accessories. You know now that I think about it how many people would have done that! Because I am going to be real it was so hard for me.
Some of you may think ok! Well I would have taken what I wanted or thought I needed and took them with me on my new adventure. Well as explained to me and the way of the world is if you are hurt or hurting due to something or someone that does not have your best interest at heart then you must remove yourself. Now in the defense of another human being if they are selfish how do they know if are hurting you. But more importantly do they really care? Hmmmm... probably not because if they did they would stop right? Or is it that if the silent voice would speak up then just maybe the light would brighten from being so very dim in which you could see your way out of it.
Most people are ashamed of or prefer not to talk about the past! For me I am not ashamed I am an open book (ok TAD also actions)! My steps will never be like yours and I cannot prevent you from going in the same direction but I can tell my story. My story is not to have you walk in my steps. My steps are just a small segment of my movie that I am playing the lead in each and every day. Please don’t think that I have a big head at all (stop laughing Khi) but I am very well versed in the part of Dawn (The beginning of). If I had to cast someone to play me I am just thinking who would that be???
You know that I could have gone into detail on every single aspect of my past but why bother! Would you look at me any different? Would you say OMG she is almost like Mother Theresa real close to being a Saint? Would you say that I am like Angela Davis (gosh my mom Hill-RIP) would not let me have an afro) I wonder why? Oh I forgot as she would put it “I AM THE BOSS”. I am so smiling because thank god she couldn’t read my mind because in my head I was like “yeah right for now”. Or would you say that maybe in a previous life I was Martin Luther King (I know he is a man – hey you never know right and I did say previous) fighting for justice for all people?
But in the real life scenario you will say well that is just Dawn! Believe you me I have been called many names in my life but I prefer to go by my name (smile)!!! But just to let you in on a little secret my name was not going to be Dawn. In the wee hours of the morning ….21 May as it would read in the history books. The sky was the blackest of black and there was only one star in the sky! As I am told that star became super bright at 3am when the new being took her first breath. As the doctors and nurses were amazed at this new being’s presence (someone stated that she was the most beautiful baby that they ever saw)! All continued to gaze the nurse asked to what name will you give this precious being! As my mother and father’s eyes were so fixated on this precious gift they both were at a loss for words. For what they discussed for the previous nine months that it took to make the perfect being neither one of them remembered the name! So I know you are wondering what was the name that they had in mind. OMG it was HEATHER!!! Can you see me being named Heather there is absolutely nothing wrong with the name I just can’t see me being named Heather. But with the early morning, the beauty that was presented to the world...Dawn it is oh so fitting. Gosh I think that maybe my mom and dad was in shock and my mom said what time is it? Someone said 3am! I could hear my mom saying damn it is really early in the morning! Ok nurse I am ready to name her! Her name is Dawn! LOL! You know angles singing above with a full orchestra welcoming Dawn into the world. Well I am special so that is my version of I how I came to be.
Gosh that story will always make me smile…and the fact that the urban legend (NJ) is that I was found on the steps in a basket or that I am my aunt’s daughter (that is totally another posting).
So you may be wondering how in the world did I start off with talking about the past, luggage etc. Well to be honest that is when it all began!!!
But you would be proud to know that the PAST has finally been kicked off the Isle of Dawn! Grab your torch and leave the island (ok I watch survivor a time or two). Although never forgotten it is no longer in the forefront of my mind or my soul! It is packed far, far away within my being. I cannot deny that it will always be a part of me a chapter in my book of life! An intense scene in the most awesome movie ever. It just doesn’t make up who I am in this space and time and it never will.
I am THANKFUL to be in the PRESENT fully MIND, BODY and Soul!!!
